all alone

i have commitment issues. i always only choose one or two people to be really really close with.

no doubt i am friends with everybody and joke around and stuff.

but when it comes to really staying around, there is only a few friends, some family and SRC (i'm the president and i'm not gonna let anyone down. when i say i'm gonna do something, i do it.)

that's why i keep most people far away. there are a few reasons for this and here is the first:

The Grand List of Best Friends

1. my first best friend when i was about 6, named morgan, was my english neighbour. we made lavender perfume, ate pizza, watched cartoons and movies, had april fool's day everyday and walked all the dogs on the street. after a couple of years of this daily activity, morgan and her family had to move back to england. leaving me...all alone.
2. my best friend in year 2, i would have been 8, used to play in "fairy world" with me everyday. she invented the imaginary world and we used to run around the oval having adventures with fairies (no shit), goblins and other midget creatures. one day, stephanie (twas her name) decided that i was banned from fairy world and became best friends with kelly. we didn't talk again til year 4.
3. the bestest friend i've ever had was called georgia. from year 3 to year 7, she was my best friend. we just laughed all the time. seriously anything and everything is funny to us. everytime we meet up again we spend about 90.87% of the time laughing. it's not awkward at all even though we live and school at different places. i really should see her more often...but we kind of just drifted apart.
4. from year 7, i had a few best friends which didn't last long and i am still really close with them now but we are either in different groups or just have totally different interests. in this group of people i would put in chronological order: bec, amy, sarah, marina
5. from year 9, my best friend was and is jenna. she is sarcastic all the time (perfect for me), super funny and we were put together in maths. well not really. but we sat in pairs and her friends and my friends had all evened up. leaving us as the odd remainders and "forced" to sit together. at this time i was obsessed with england. (previously germany, canada, france, america and currently sweden) when she came back from her europe trip, including england, she had randomly bought me a pen with the british flag on it and one of those buckingham palace guard dude's head on the top. yes we have the perfect friendship. lazy. half arsed and unspoken. she doesn't talk much. i talk at her but really i'm talking to myself most of the time. we are both really tired all the time (she = chronic fatigue, me = insomnia & anemia). we have similar, nay the exact same, interests. pretty much perfect. but the only fault is that we just sit around. 24/7, we are physically close but emotionally, we both hold back. i think we will stay friends for the rest of our lives though and potentially reach that emotional closeness before death....possibly on our deathbeds next to each other.
6. having said that, the person i am probably the most emotionally close with that is not a member of my family is amelia. she is another great friend. i basically talk with her all night every night.

so these failed best friendships have made me hesitant to fully let go. stupid, i know but i'm happy with half arsed. especially cos jenna is a genius and i'm amazingly awesome. we are basically the same person.

next up: The Family and Relationships

1. my parents are never home cos they are at work. i actually do not see them at all unless dad is driving me somewhere. their only day off is sunday. we used to go out on day trips every sunday but now we only have tea together, if that.
2. my sister diana and i have a strained relationship. she used to slap me (worse was the face cos you could see the hand approaching) when i was little and be really mean. when i was about 10 and realised this, i returned the favour and was verbally abusive to her til i was about 15. no doubt she equalled this but it was a nasty thing all round. now she has moved out and matured a lot, actually acting her age and as an older sister. we have made up and understand each other more but definitely still fight (like normal sisters...no?)
3. my eldest sister kitty is the appointed ersatz mother. since i am the youngest, she paid extra attention to me. i actually only felt that she was the only person that truly cared about me. then when she got married (yes it's normal i know), she moved out of house. but the thing that was really upsetting was that she moved overseas too. from one extreme to the other. now i only have contact with her on a bi-monthly basis. (laziness and occupiedness on both our parts)
4. my sister rainbow is the closest to me in terms of age. we share pretty much everything. since we were kids we were probably the closest. but through our adolescent years, we drifted apart. she goes out every night and every day and i'm under house confinement.
5. with family out of the way, i will confess that i've never had a real relationship. well, i wouldn't count anything less than a month and younger than when i was 14. and the current one i am in, though it has just passed a month, is quite frustrating indeed.

i only choose to be with lazy or neglectful people so i know what to expect and won't be disappointed. but i am quite happy with my family and friends at the moment.

another reason: Home Alone

this poor kid was/is me every single frickin day. home alone. without parents.

he was screwed over again in home alone 2, in a new location: new york.

he couldn't take it anymore so a new kid was recruited for home alone 3.

then in home alone 4, yet another child was traumatised.

but anyway. this is way too much opening up for me to handle so i have to stop now.