fuck austen

get off my computer

you vile bitch

nerdtastic

this guy appeared on my computer screen.

he was lying on a table in a suggestive position, throwing mega floppy disk things towards me like frisbees.

this guy is kind of seedily hot.

hang on a second...

that looks like bill gates

wait a minute...

IT IS BILL GATES!!!!!

what the fuck is going on?!?!? oh how i love bags under the eyes.

he's like macaulay culkin. oh god what the fuck.

oh bill, you're so badass

and buddy holly's rayban like huge glasses with that crooked smile

i won't taint this with what he looks like now...but he is still worth 54 billion dollars....

steve jobs, the apple dude.

I HATE APPLE.

APPLE SUCKS BIG DICKS.

in fact i write these slogans on the two apple stickers that came with my ipod, which i had for two months before i reluctantly started to use it. my sister gave it to me for my birthday. and my other sister bought an ipod for me ages ago, it was even my favourite colour; green, but i rejected it.

i won't bite that apple unless it's poisoned. so i can die and not have to use another apple product again. no wonder he is only worth 6 billion, a ninth of what bill is worth.

especially next to that troll, bill gates looks heavenly.

what a mindfuck. bill gates now is like. whoa god wtf happened.

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

ball games

marat safin.

golden god of tennis tantrums.

it's rumoured that he has broken over 700 tennis racquets in his career.

this is his funniest comment ever about the unfairness of calls

(referencing how umpires just call the ball out cos they want to sleep and are pressured by corporate businessmen who want the ratings. truly worth the 2:36 mins):

"of course, the guy, he is sitting with a tie, you know, smoking a cigar, he can be also with two chicks, but he has no clue about tennis"

the face he makes is the cherry on top. with his leg up and one eyebrow raised. pure gold.

novak djokovic.

tennis' funny guy who doesn't give a fuck.

how do you like me in a bathrobe?......now how do you like me in speedos?

this is his best comment ever:

"oh my god, it was like eh, i don't know, sleeping with my girlfriend i guess, kind of feeling"

oh yeah. just like that. with my head up and arms out, smiling in ecstasy.

27 seconds of pure bliss.

i (or my sister rainbow) can't make out what the interviewer says at the end though.

something about a ballsome game?

you can count me in, that's for sure

blow job

guy sebastian gets head.

multiple times.

"then they walked into the audition room and blew me again there"

the moment of realisation in four stages:

the inhale of denial

the look down of acceptance

the double facepalm of shame

the hand grasp of embarrassment

and it doesn't stop there.

his song/album titles gave me sweet sweet ammo.

he begins with learning the art of love:

then brings her to the elevator:

next he coaches her through it:

until he is:

when it's all over, he's walking on memphis:

now we all finally know the faces behind "angels brought me here"

mahogany

like a distant whisper in mrs krappabel's ear

*angels gave me head

car-aoke

last night. i was watching a film, as i recall it was a horror film....

oh wait, wrong train of thought.

last night. when my sister and i drove home. we burst into song.

old school justin

+

human nature

+

britney

=

a 90's medley of sex.

human nature (whoa topless):

i don't know what's better. the main singer's hair that mirrors one of the umbilical brothers...or the fact that some members of this band could be the father of other members of this band.

the best song that we always sang in the car as children...was wishes

justin:

back when he was justified. with lots and lots of cheese for hair. the whole first album is pretty much the shizz. senorita, the hold my jacket song....um...like i love you, totes michael jackson's and cry me a river. the extreme high pitched chipmunk falsetto licks are the funnest parts to sing. also the low bits with high bits. eg. end of senorita and timbaland in cry me a river.

it's britney bitch:

classic 90's hair. mega slut strand fest. and a serious cameltoe to match. jesus christ that cameltoe is bad. how can it even go that high? anyway. hit me baby one more time is the best to sing. it's just the way she goes "oh babeh babeh". classic.

i'm glad we didn't crash.

drunken treasures

i'm still here (not)

scott pilgrim fan video: part one

scott pilgrim fan video: part two

the guys are greasy, fat and gross. but the director is damn hot. yeah i went on their channel and website. and the references and coolness is just awesome.

if only the actors were hotter.

michael cera where are you.

kanyemite

...let you finish

a year after the most awesome event ever happened (taylor swift almost dying), kanye west has made an epic apology on twitter that spans over like 9 full scrolls of the scroll bar thing (yeah i measured). it's quite fascinating really. he says absolutely everything on his mind. and eventually just ends with "i'm sorry taylor".

how the event unfolded (p.s. how epic is kanye's hair) (p.p.s. wtf is taylor swift wearing? a beanbag of sparkles?):

hey, imma gonna stop your c(o)unt-ry bullshit, kanye's got the house now

don't worry, imma gonna let you finish

but beyonce had the best video clip of ALL time

OF ALL TIME!

nuff said.

i love kanye. his best songs for me are gold digger, stronger and love lockdown (i had to do a dance to touch the sky in year 7. my partner was amy colla and we wore black and purple). i rap the alphabet with him on tuesdays. but he always seems to be stuck on the letter "a". fine examples can be seen here, and i also print screened the best moment cos i'm nice:

remember when kanye west and 50 cent had that mexican stand off during that award ceremony all those years ago. i just remember that there was a comment made like whoever sold the most albums/won the award in that year would continue making music. and the loser would die in a hole. i'm thinking 50 cent may have been the loser. the only song i know of his is "just a lil bit" not famous. oh i lie. i also know his tap drill song. good shit.

back to taylor swift: every time i look at her, a part of me dies. those plasticised curls actually make me feel physically ill. she is also more squintier than an asian. i'm glad kanye slayed her (ha, dragonslayer...go survivor). she obviously wasn't very good at accepting awards anyway. whiny crying, dropping them, trying to inhale them. kanye did what any kind person would do; prevent taylor from embarrassing herself.

wtf, taylor swift brunette?!?! oh dear god. she looks like a little boy. and strangely like nicholas hoult, who i had a massive crush on. he's the kid from about a boy, my favourite movie for a long time. then he was tony on skins. woot. skins seasons 1 and 2. holy shit i am actually getting rather disturbed by this. they could be identical twins. they have the same nose, eyes, lips, face and scary upturned eyebrows.

but back to rappers.

all this time, we have been looking for answers to the most hilariously weird shit that has been going on this past year. apparently joaquin phoenix losing it is actually a hoax. there is a documentary movie being released about his rapper life called "i'm still here: the lost year of joaquin pheonix". he has said that it's not an act and everyone should take his music seriously etc. but he also later said that it was all put on for the "mockumentary". he's either crazy as shit. or the most epic actor known to mankind. either way he should be called leaf pheonix again.

watch as the hair travels from his head, to his chin:

he was once normal you know. and hopefully, all this is a hoax and the normal guy will come back. one things for sure though, at the moment, it's all scary ass shit.

hey! kanye let me finish!

see, if you weren't such a c(o)unt-ry, taylor, you'd be rapping the alphabet with kanye and joaquin too.